Aug. 21, 2025 · Soft Secession
2032: Life in the Republican States of America
In 2032, after blue states seceded following stolen elections, the remaining Republican states finally built their paradise:
"We have freedom of religion here, you're free to be Christian!"
Drive through Alabama in 2032 and witness the Republican utopia: collapsed bridges with "JESUS SAVES" billboards falling into rust-brown rivers, poisoned by unregulated chemical plants. Every third house abandoned, every second flying a Confederate flag beside a cross, every first with three broken cars and a "TRUMP FOREVER" sign.
The hospitals closed when doctors fled to blue states where they could practice medicine instead of mandatory prayer. Now "Mama's Faith Healing & Ammo Emporium" offers chemotherapy alternatives (bleach) and bulk ammunition discounts. Got cancer? God's will. Got raped? God's gift. Got shot? Should've been armed, liberal.
The Amazon warehouse stretches across dead Mississippi farmland, soil destroyed by decades of unregulated pesticides. Inside, workers piss themselves because bathroom breaks cost money and money is God's scoreboard. Minimum wage: still $7.25, minus 10% mandatory church tithing.
Your supervisor? A 19-year-old pastor's son who can't read safety warnings but quotes Leviticus while writing you up for "insufficient gratitude." Half your coworkers missing fingers from uninspected machinery. The other half high on meth, the only way to hit productivity quotas, and easier to get than insulin.
Every workplace injury is "God testing faith." The company chaplain, paid triple your salary, explains your crushed hand is just like Job's boils. Workers' comp? "Socialist." Complain? Fired for "sowing discord." Try organizing? Straight to mega-jail because unions are "satanic."
Schools are churches now. They tore down science labs. Kentucky kids learn dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark and slavery was "African apprenticeship." Textbooks are from 1952, but with new chapters on Trump's prophecy in Revelation.
Teachers make $18,000 annually if male. Women can only be "teaching assistants" because "Paul said women should be silent." Your son's history teacher thinks Earth is 6,000 years old. Your daughter's health teacher? Registered sex offender, but forgiven because he "found Christ" in prison.
Literacy rate: 43%. Who needs reading when there's picture Bibles? Libraries burned in the "Great Cleansing of 2029" for having dangerous books about evolution and women having opinions. College is for "elites and homosexuals."
Internet's just Facebook and Fox News; Google redirects to Bible verses.
Got sick? The "Christian Care Cooperative" checks church attendance before approving anything. Cancer treatment requires a "testimony of faith" video with enough Facebook likes. Mental illness isn't real, you're not praying hard enough.
Women's healthcare is medieval with birth control illegal. Miscarriages investigated as murders. Women die in childbirth at Civil War rates, "Eve's curse," according to Pastor-Governor Jim Bob Jr., who pays for his three mistresses' out-of-state abortions.
Every hospital has "Pregnancy Enforcement Wards." Women aged 12-45 take monthly pregnancy tests at their own expense. If positive, "Womb Watchers," unemployed men who failed the police exam, monitor them. Attempting to leave while pregnant? Kidnapping. Miscarriage? Manslaughter.
Water's brown since the EPA was abolished for "attacking job creators." Everyone has lead poisoning.
Prisons are actual plantations. The 13th Amendment allows slavery for prisoners, and with most crimes now resulting in life sentences, the tough on crime lands ensure there's plenty of free labor.
"Stand Your Ground" means shooting anyone "spiritually threatening." Atheist bumper sticker? Gay person existing? Woman with short hair? Shoot 'em all.
Every family has a kid dead from something preventable: measles, gunshots, childbirth, suicide, but they "went home to Jesus" so it's beautiful. Graveyards full of tiny crosses for babies born to 13-year-olds, teenagers shot by stepdads, women dead from backstreet abortions.
Suicide rates are so high they stopped counting. Smart young adults flee to the nation-states of NY, CA, WA etc. Thankfully, free states are happy to take in Republican Nation-States Refugees, despite challenging cultural differences.
Youth that remain dream of escape, hiding blue state college applications like porn, practicing speaking without Southern accents, googling "claiming asylum" at the next county's library because theirs burned for stocking To Kill a Mockingbird.
The UN declared CRSA a humanitarian crisis zone. Observers compare it to Taliban Afghanistan. Their economy survives on resource extraction: oil, coal, desperate people working for nothing. Every other industry fled.
Foreign correspondents need military escorts, not from criminals, but local police who consider journalism "witchcraft."
Chinese companies strip-mining mountains, paying kickbacks to one-party state lifelong politicians who say that freedom is worth it.
But they'll never admit failure. As hospitals close, they'll praise God for "calling doctors home." As children die, they'll celebrate "angels returning." As the economy collapses, they'll blame California and the gays. As the world abandons them, they'll scream persecution while loading their guns.
The Corporate Republican States: where freedom means dying of preventable diseases, prosperity means three generations in a toxic trailer, Christianity means whatever the richest pastor politician says.
This is their paradise. Their shining city on a hill, a garbage hill of cheerful dying serfs. But at least there's no drag queens.
“Jesus wept. Then was shot 47 times for appearing Jewish. His resurrection was denied for insufficient documentation. Amen and pass the ammunition.”
If you enjoyed this article, check out my book:
“Conservatism: America’s Empathy Disorder”